Health Life Sexual Health

Let’s Get Kinky: Approaching the Topic of Kink With Your Sexual Partner

Talking about kink can be a hard topic to broach with your partner, especially early on in a relationship. Personally, I have always maintained a theory that everyone has at least one “weird thing” that they are attracted to that’s challenging to bring up with their partner, so talking about kink with your partner can be a really daunting task. On the flip side, having your partner bring up a kink of theirs with you that you are not at all attracted to can be equally as uncomfortable and challenging to wrap your head around. When it comes to kink it’s important to keep an open mind and approach the subject as non-judgmentally as possible. Here are some tips for approaching the topic of kink with your partner, for the sake of clarity I will be referring to the kinky partner as the “presenter” and the person being presented with their partners kink as the “learner”.

Be open and honest. It’s important to be as honest as possible when talking about kink. If you’re the presenter, be prepared for lots of questions and some confusion, especially if your kink is a bit lesser known. Your partner may also need some time to process the information, which can be scary if your kink is something you feel ashamed of, but necessary for many people, especially those of us who are more vanilla. If you’re the learner, make sure you approach your partner with love and compassion and a willingness to learn. Remember that many times people are ashamed or uncertain about what their kink means about them, so reminding your partner that there isn’t anything wrong with them can be very helpful for those who are especially insecure about their sexual wants and needs.

Google is your friend. A good first step is for both the presenter and the learner to do some independent research on the kink. While often times the presenter is relatively well versed in their kink, it never hurts to make sure you’re as educated as possible on what you’re sexually attracted to. The learner on the other hand, may know nothing about the kink presented to them, resources like Google, Tumblr, and porn websites may provide additional information on the kink and what practicing it looks like. Doing your own research can also help guide questions around the kink when they arise.

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Learn together. A great way to learn about a kink together is to do something research together as well. Finding an article that the presenter finds accurately displays how they experience the kink and allowing the learner to ask clarifying questions is a great way to learn about the kink together. Learning together can include article reading, porn watching, open discussion, book reading, and whatever else you and your partner find helpful in facilitating the conversation. Some sample questions include,

  • How old were you when you discovered your kink?
  • How did you discover this was your kink?
  • What type of content with this kink arouses you?
  • Are there any parts of this kink that you’re not attracted to? Why?
  • Is X, Y, and Z also part of this kink? Is that also something you’re attracted to?
  • What are your feelings about having this kink?

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Establish sexual wants and needs. Some presenters really want to include their kink into their sex life, others do not, and both are completely okay and valid. Starting a dialogue around including a new kink into a relationship can be equally as challenging as bringing it up. Some learners may discover they are also attracted to your kink, others may not being attracted to it but willing to incorporate parts of it into the relationship, others may not be willing to incorporate any of it, and that’s completely fine. Thinking about sexual wants and needs are important when approaching including kink. Some guiding questions include,

  • What do I currently feel like is missing from my sexual relationship?
  • What are a list of things I need to feel sexually safe and satisfied? This can include things like cuddling after sex, being choked, certain sexual acts being regularly part of sexual interactions, and whatever else feels important.
  • What things would I want to include in my sexual relationship but do not need to be sexually safe and satisfied?
  • What specific parts of this kink do I want (or need) to include in my sexual relationship? What do I not want (or need) to include?

Positively reinforce current sexual relationship. A vital part of this process to make the positives in the current sexual experiences as clear as possible. While sharing kinks and sexual fantasies can be fulfilling and a great way to connect to your partner on a deeper level, it can also create some insecurity for the learner regarding sexual satisfaction for the presenter, making a conscious effort to make the great parts of the sexual contact clear.

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Stay curious. Keeping conversation around kink open is an important part of approaching kink in a sexual relationship. Feelings may change overtime, and maintaining an open dialogue long term when it comes to the topic of your “weird thing” allows the option for change in the participation of this kink as time goes on, and opens the door for more intimate conversations later on. Curiosity in any sexual relationship, kinky or not, is a great way to stay sexually satisfied for all participants.

 

 

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